Time was running out. Hell, I didn’t even know how much I had to begin with, but I was sure by now my hourglass was empty.
It’s funny how we’re content to let time tick by, hour by hour, day by day. We’re careful with money, which comes and goes, but our precious time we treat far too loosely.
Now my time was gone. I was on borrowed time and I was just waiting for someone to come collect.
Another car drove by and I twitched at the curtains again. Not this time.
If I knew what it would cost I never would have gotten in so deep. But that’s how some people make a living and how some people end up dead, we forget to count the cost.
I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked at the clock. Time up.
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You are off to a great start. You had seven words available in your 150 word limit.
“Now my time was gone. I was on borrowed time and I was just waiting for someone to come collect.” I would suggest shortening this to “Now my time was gone. I was on borrowed time and waiting for someone to collect.” Then expound on how you twitched at the curtains.
Hmmm, good thinking, shaving words here and there so I can add an extra thought or piece of information. I’ll give it some thought about what I could add.
Thanks
You are welcome.
I liked the story. But one thing that kind of bothers me. Maybe it is just me, but the background you have going on is rather distracting. It takes away from your writing. If you want us to focus on the written word, the I would suggest a different background. Just a thought. It is your blog and you can do with it what you will.
Thanks for that. I’ve thought the same thing. If there was some way to make the boxes less opaque I think that would help.
I’ll have a think!
Hi Sammy, I like this. In the first paragraph I would take out the ‘but’ and begin the next sentence with ‘I was sure . . .” In the third paragraph the second sentence take out the second ‘I’. I like the empty hourglass image you have in the first paragraph. I actually would like to see that image continued in the third paragraph. Instead of saying, “Now my time was gone,” repeat “My hourglass was empty.” and have it change places with the second sentence (and keep Simpklu’s wording suggestion for the second sentence). The last sentence should read, “Time’s up.” And, I actually think it would be more powerful if you set it apart by making it a new paragraph.
Wow, that’s a lot of free editing
I’ll try these suggestions and see how they feel. Perhaps I’ll repost a second draft.
Thanks so much.
You’re welcome.
I love editing. Sometimes, I think I’m in the wrong field. If you ever want someone to take a look at something, I’d be happy to — time permitting.
Thanks for all the suggestions guys. Finally got round to doing a small edit as part of a writing challenge on a different site. I made the suggested amendments and added a line or two (breaking free from my 150word shackles!) that just build a little more tension.
Check it out here http://saintbugle.wordpress.com/2013/03/13/borrowed-time/
I kinda want to make it into a fuller story now I’ve played with it again